VII

dear hazel,

5 months…how did we get here? there were so many days over the past 5 months that i wasn’t sure i’d see morning or enjoy this thing called motherhood. but now? today? i am so in love with you and being your mom. like head over heels. while i still have days where i feel so completely out of control and that i have no idea what i’m doing, i feel that i’ve finally got a grip on things and that makes me feel much more human.

we had a nanny, jordan, start for you this month and that’s helped me regain some (a little) order and normalcy around here. while it took a solid 2 weeks for you to get used to her, i feel we’ve finally gotten over the hump. see, you’ve started getting a little freaked out by strangers lately. your doctor said it’s not so much you “stranging,” as people like to call it, but it’s the fact that you’re now able to hear the difference in other people’s voices and that sort of freaks you out a bit. you’ll get over it.

your personality is really starting to come through and i see little bits of josh and me in you, which literally makes my heart sing. you can be very loud (josh), especially when your dad really gets you going and you let out this shrill squeal that we still aren’t sure is from joy or anger. you started really loving cuddling (me), whether with your blanket (you always fall asleep with it against your face and you stroke your hair with your right hand. it’s so cute i almost cry.), one of your soft stuffed “things” or with me (my favorite). i’m not sure who it comes from but any time someone walks in your room to replace a paci or provide comfort when you should be sleeping, you flash this megawatt smile. just happy to see another human face.

if last month was about new motor skills (you’re fine tuning them this month, along with learning to pinch with your tiny little, strong, fingers. ouch.), this month was about sound. you have learned so many new noises and you find yourself quite humorous. you also learned to whine. if it didn’t get so annoying after a while, it would be so cute.

also annoying? you aren’t the world’s greatest napper. although night sleep is going amazing (in bed from 7-7 with a dream feed at 10:30, which i’m weaning you off of) so i have little room to complain. all this crappy napping has resulted in a late afternoon cat nap, usually on my chest which is something i’ve come to absolutely look forward to and love. you never slept on us as a baby so i’m enjoying it now.

we’ve started implementing lots of stroller rides (we have to do it in the morning, bc humidity in southern indiana doesn’t play around) and swims in the pool, which i think is leaving you with a fairly bad case of eczema.

you continue to grow like an absolute weed. or more like when you let bread rise and it doubles in size and gets all puffy. you are a little dough ball of the cutest kind. i had to take you in for a weight check this past week (which resulted in an upped dosage of your reflux meds) and you’ve hit 17lbs 2oz. can we concentrate on growing tall this month, maybe? my back is perpetually killing me. you’re wearing size 3-6 or 6 month clothing and when you’re in cloth diapers, that size is pushing it.

while you haven’t hit big milestones like rolling over or sitting yet, your dad and i are a-ok with where you are. if motherhood has taught me one thing, it’s that being in the moment is the most important place to be. a close second would be to anticipate your late afternoon poop by making sure your diaper isn’t already wet, which almost always results in a blowout. or as we call it, an assplosion. (thanks, makenzie and kevin for that lovely word.)

this week we’re packing up the car (beau included) and are headed up to the lake in michigan. we’re so excited to introduce you to such a meaningful place for your dad and me. we fell in love there and can’t wait to watch you fall in love with it, too!

i feel i need to tell you about something really big that happened in indiana this past week. i’m bringing it up here in the hopes that by the time you’re old enough to fall in love you’ll look back at this time in our history and just shake your head, the same way i now do about equal rights for women and african americans. you see, this past week the state of indiana finally passed legislation “allowing” people of the same sex to get married. i know, right? so ridiculous. what i hope is so exciting for me is “so 15 years ago” to you. i so so so hope. love is love in the same way that i’d love you if you still cried all day or had 3 heads. when you fall in love one day (in 30 years, as your dad says), i hope you know that whether it’s with a boy or a girl or an elephant, your dad and i will love you just the same. love.is.love.

and i love you so much it hurts, my little dough ball,

momma